How to be a perfect parent

Raising well-adjusted and emotionally stable children has never been more important than in these dark times. Our world is going to hell in a hand basket, thanks to the emotionally stunted adults who rule the world now. And the reason behind that is simple: none of us were raised properly.

Now, I know what you're thinking; "Of course I was raised wrong! My parents didn't have any way to find out what the pop-psychologists were saying! Buzzfeed Parenting wasn't created yet!"

I know, it wasn't their faults that they were under-qualified for parenting! They were just born too early for the ever helpful internet!

But lucky for you, there's still time for your children! Below, I have written a basic list of the most important things to remember when attempting to raise the perfect, well-adjusted, and emotionally stable children that will one day run the world.



1. Never look away from their sweet, curious faces. Ever.
  It is imperative that your children have your undivided attention at all times. What if they have a genius moment but nobody was there to see it? They will be emotionally scarred FOREVER if you do not see every. single. accomplishment.

2. Never let them have any free time. They will only find drugs and prostitution.
  Your children's brains and hands must be entertained and engaged at all times. If you do not provide enough stimulating activity, they will wither away and become drug addicts and whores. This is where all those fun little activities on Pinterest you keep pinning will come in handy.

3. If your child is acting out, know that it is because they don't feel loved enough.
  Yep, if they're throwing a tantrum in the super-market, it's not because you made them put back the $4.00 Lunchable, it's because they feel like you're ignoring their needs and that you don't love them, and obviously if this happens they will grow up to be a serial killer with no soul.

4. If you need them to do something, ask them, never tell them.
  Children need to be given the choice to do what's right. Never tell them what they need to do, always ask. And if they say no, you need to respect that, they are their own person, and they know their own mind. For example, when you're potty training, you should always ask "Timmy, can you please stop pooping on the carpet?" Never tell them "Timmy, stop pooping on the carpet before I throw you in the toilet."

5. Keep in mind that every time they act out, it's linked somewhere to something you did to them.
  When your child is throwing a fit, remember, it's probably because at some point in their early development, you refused to pick them up for the millionth time, and now they're emotionally stunted and it's all your fault. Never mind the fact that the tantrum was caused by bedtime. It's still your fault.

6. Never check out. NEVER.
  DO NOT CHECK FACEBOOK WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE AROUND. No breaks for you! You're a TERRIBLE parent if you don't want to spent every waking moment staring at your kids. If you don't know what you should be doing, refer to number 2. If you're keeping them properly engaged, you shouldn't have time for yourself anyway.

7. Feed them only a diet fit for their delicate pallets.
  If must be organic. It must be fun. It must be engaging. It must be perfectly balanced. And if they don't like it, you better cook something else equally fun and healthy, because you're an awful parent if you let your children go hungry. Oh, and while we're on the topic, breast is best, but for the love of God, don't let anyone else see that scandalous breast tissue. It causes men to lust and they can't control it.

8. Last but not least, make sure they have a good education.
  Make sure they turn in all their homework, get enough rest, get lots of extra-curriculars in, save money for college, get to school on time, and join all the Parent things. Otherwise, how will they learn about how to vote, how to apply for college, how to do their taxes, and later in life, how to raise well-adjusted, emotionally balanced children of their own?

If you follow these 8 simple steps, you're sure to have the best children on the planet. If they stray from the plan, gently coax them back with some organic snacks, but remember to ask nicely. There's no way they could ever struggle in life if you follow this plan. You're already screwed, so never mind your wellbeing, it's all about the kids. Because as Buzzfeed says, we are already too distracted from our children, so we better make even more time for them. Because otherwise you don't love them and they'll grow up to be just like Donald Trump.

Enjoy your special time with your kids!

Cheers!