Chapter 1
Life is short. It is short, precious, and unpredictable. And the moment we forget that is the moment the Universe takes it away.
You would think that by now I would know this. As much loss as I’ve witnessed, as much death and decay, you would think I’d be a seasoned veteran to it. But it still catches me off guard. I still find myself teetering on the brink of despair when it’s snuffed out. And never is this fact more highlighted than when a young life slips away into darkness.
I don’t know if I believe in heaven or hell. I don’t know if I believe in an afterlife at all. But right now, I hope it’s there. I don’t think I have a clear idea of what I hope, I just know I don’t want a life that had barely begun to be snuffed out by oblivion. I always tried not to think of what happens after death, but it seems Death is forcing me to acknowledge her, in the most gruesome way.
In my hands is the dress that Cynthia picked out, just for me. She wanted it to flatter me, make me feel beautiful. She wanted her wedding to be perfect for everyone.
The sky is gray, the air is wet. Moisture clings to my skin and hair, settling cold into my bones. I’m still on the steps of the hospital, unsure of what to do. I can’t go home, I can’t go to the Silver Estate, I can’t run to my mother, or Tommy’s mother, or Cynthia, or Carrie. More than anyone, I want to run to Tommy, but I know I shouldn’t. And all I can think about is this infernal dress. It was so beautiful, so perfect. Even now, in the dreary light and bone-chilling rain, it stands out, exactly as it was meant to.
I turn it over, catching a hint of the rusty blood stain marring it’s perfection. A lump rises in my throat and my stomach twists in knots. It’s a permanent evidence of my shame. I lost that beautiful child; it never even had a chance. And here I am, given chance after chance, over and over again, and I’ve squandered it. I’ve alienated the only person in the world who loves me wholly and fully, I threw it all away over a short-lived passion. Because I know that’s all it was. How could it have ever been anything else?
Even as I think that, I know that it could have been more. Just like my relationship with Tommy could have, and should have, been more. Either way I turn, I could have something beautiful and perfect, but I’m selfish and the Universe is forcing me to finally acknowledge that.
I feel my heart slowly starting to die. Is it possible to die from a stone heart? I almost hope it is. All this time, I’ve judged my mother so harshly for taking her own life, but if she stopped caring like this, how can I blame her? I would rather be in the throws of tears, crying and sobbing until my chest aches, but I can’t. I’ve cauterized my heart to stop the ache. But the worst part is that I caused this ache. I did this myself. I’ve turned myself into a cold-hearted demon, just so I could stop myself from loving someone I shouldn’t.
Is that what this is? Does it always have to boil down to this ugly truth? That the only person in the world who can force me to feel things is Alexander Silver? Even thinking about him, about the warmth of his body as it pressed into mine, about the way his hands roughly pulled me closer and closer until I couldn’t breath, the way he looked at me with such passion, with such desire, with such need. Even here and now, I feel a tiny flutter in my chest in spite of myself.
My face warms with rage and lust and hatred. How dare he do this to me? How can he keep me in his grasp like this? I have so many other things I should care about, that I should worry about, and yet all I can see are his eye burning into mine.
What if I can never escape his grasp? What if I can never shut off the way he makes me feel? What if I can never be happy without him? And yet I know in my heart that I would never be truly happy with him either, because my soul longs for one man only, and that’s Tommy Stark. How can I reconcile my soul and heart with my body and desire? What if I can’t?
My eyes follow the trickles of water draining down the street. Is this what it will come to? Is the only way to cool this fire to drown it in cleansing water? A shudder goes down my back as my body starts to slowly move towards the wet pavement, closer and closer to the heavy flow of traffic. Cars pass, splashing through the muddy puddles, spraying the sidewalks lightly with mist. Would it all stop if I just...if I just drowned the problem?
My brain starts to shut down as I find myself staring into a dirty puddle on the sidewalk, barely able to see the rippled, distorted reflection of my own face, staring blankly back up at me.
It would be so easy. Just go under, and never come back up. I’m starting to understand my mother a little better.
I take another step towards oncoming traffic. Would it hurt? Probably. Would it be over? Hopefully. The dim lights coming towards me make me squint. It would be better if I was alone though. I should go home. Tommy probably won’t be there. When it’s over, he can just sell the house and get on with his life. It would be much less painful for him if I wasn’t a part of it. I’d be fixing so many things. I’d be out of the way, so many people could move forward without me blocking their path. It would just...be...so...easy.
I’m standing on the edge of the sidewalk, staring blindly into traffic, wondering how long it would take, if I should go home and be alone, if I should just get it over with now. I swallow, my throat is dry, my mind is blank, devoid of any of the thoughts that someone should be having when they’re about to commit suicide. I can’t make myself feel it. I can’t feel afraid, I can’t feel hurt, I only feel guilt. Soul-crushing, debilitating, intolerable guilt. My foot is leaving the sidewalk, my body is preparing to lurch forward, nobody seems to be paying attention to the woman about to step out into traffic. It would just be so easy...
My pocket start to vibrate, I’m jerked abruptly back to reality, where I am standing alone in the misty rain, holding a stained gown, freezing my ass off in front of the graying hospital.
I gasp, my heart starts pounding in my ears, the world spins back into motion and I step back, the horror of what I was about to do clawing it’s way through my body like an animal. Without thinking, I release the gown and push both hands into my chest. The gown flutters to the ground, floating in the air for a millisecond as I hold my breath and the world stands still, and suddenly it finds it’s way into a puddle and it’s shining glory dims as it soaks in the water and grime of the city, and now it’s just another piece of garbage to pick up.
My pocket vibrates again, I pull my phone out, my hands are trembling, I can’t see straight, I’m reeling from the idea that I nearly ended my own life. My heart drops as tears begin to sting my eyes. I can’t think, I can’t breath, I press answer and shakily hold the phone up to my ear.
“Hello?” my voice betrays my distress. I can’t even pretend to hide it.
“Molly? Please help me.”
There you guys go! Chapter 1! I might post a few more little peaks before the release on October 25th, so keep an eye out for it! If you liked it and want more, hurry and pre-order your copy! I'll be mailing them out on the 24th, or you can pick up your copy at the Release Party. More information about that here!
Cheers!
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